Days of celebration, days of triggers

Well, we’ve just passed the 2nd anniversary of Tzeitel’s due date. Due dates are a funny thing. To some, after the first year, they pass by with a thought, a memory, a candle lighting, but not much more. Last year her due date was especially hard on me. On her actual due date, we were in the car driving 500 miles to my parent’s house for my Grandma’s funeral (she passed away the day before), so I was unable to really feel the day. On the 1 year anniversary of her due date, we got a cake and had a special dinner at home for her. I was telling a friend that I feel like her “birth”day is more of a celebration of her life and her due date was just a trigger. This year, again, I was left with this sinking feeling that I should be planning a birthday party, I should be baking a cake, I should be running around and making last minute details come together, when instead I was getting ready for a ladies meeting. It wasn’t a day full of tears, just of this constant nagging reminder that she’s not here. I’ve definitely (most days) come to a place of acceptance and am content with where I am, but that doesn’t take away the “missing her” feeling. I wonder who she’d be, what she’d be learning, what things she’d be helping me with and what she’d be getting into. I really wonder what the dynamic between her and my nephew would be like. I love that he talks about her, even though he doesn’t completely understand. The only Tzeitel he has ever known was Tzeitel Bear, so anytime we talk about her, he thinks of the bear. He cuddles and plays with Tzeitel bear, sleeping with her at times. He found a picture of her ultrasound not long ago and I was able to share with him what that was and about how Tzeitel isn’t in my tummy anymore, that she’s in Heaven now. I look forward to seeing this grow as he does.

Well, I think I’ve rambled enough for today. What do you do on the anniversary of your baby’s due date?

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