This weekend was pretty rough for me. Saturday was a pretty stinking awesome event that my sister and I both wanted to attend, but children couldn’t. Huge trigger for me. It is really hard for me when things like that come up, where one of us has to stay with my nephew so that the other can go to something, because I should be having to look for a babysitter or staying home too! I made it through the day, we went to a family game night Saturday night with church friends and had a great time. Sunday morning my hubby had to work, so I woke up to an empty house. I woke up, stayed in bed playing on my Kindle for a bit, and finally got up and went to the living room, and it hit me. The overwhelming, screaming silence. I tried watching movies. I tried listening to the radio. I tried talking to the cats. And the blaring nothing would not go away. All I could do all day was just sit on the couch and watch Little House on the Prairie. My husband got home from work in the afternoon and told me about his day, we started talking about what we were going to do in the evening. He asked how my day was, and all I could think of was how hungry I was because I hadn’t eaten anything all day, I just hadn’t thought about it until then. I told him about how I’d been feeling all day and we both thought it’d be good to get out of the house, so we went out to get something to eat. We left, heading to church, and I had another moment of unexpected tears. We turned around and went home, as I just wasn’t feeling like I even wanted to see people, let alone people who knew me and might want to talk. We got home and I just sat and cried. I poured my heart out about how I’ve been feeling, and how I’ve probably been feeling this for a while, but I’ve just been so busy with everything going on that I haven’t allowed myself a moment to really “feel” it. Having some down time, alone, made it come to surface. We sat and talked for a while, sat in quiet for a while. Just having someone who you know cares, genuinely, truly cares, means the entire world. We got to talking about things that I can do that might help me get out of this funk I’m in, and I brought up wanting to work on Tzeitel’s scrapbook. Her 2nd birthday in Heaven will be in June, and I haven’t started on her scrapbook. I’ve wanted to. I really have. But, I guess I may have been scared to. Well, last night we went out and picked out some things to get started! We also picked up some bodysuits for our Tzeitel bear to wear (it’s really been bothering me that she’s been naked, but our cat’s like to try to eat her tutu, and so it’s reserved for special occasions…). By the time we were headed home, I was feeling some better. Today has been better, but I think it will be some time before this cloud lifts. I’ve been fighting it for too long for it to go away that quickly.
I wrote this today, not for sympathy, but for awareness. I wrote this, shared this, because people don’t realize that this hole in our heart left behind when our child goes to Heaven, doesn’t just go away. Eventually it scabs. Sometimes the scab gets ripped off a few times. After a while it scars. But it never goes away. There will always be a place in my heart that is missing, because my sweet baby is gone. I was talking with someone, in Joplin, this past week while fundraising, and we were talking about the nonsensical thought that people have that we will just move on and forget our child, and I said, my response to that is, which of your children would you want to spend the rest of your life without? That is truly the path that a bereaved parent is on. We didn’t choose this path. I have been so blessed by what I have learned and where I am since being on this path, but would I have chosen it for myself? NO! But, that’s why we don’t choose our paths. God knows what lessons we need to learn to prepare us for the path He has for us. If I hadn’t lost my sweet girl, I wouldn’t be able to reach out to so many people the way I am able to now. Life is hard. Life will continue to be hard. Please be gentle to those that you meet on your path, you never know what they are going through.