Capture Your Grief, Day 10: Beliefs

ImageThe belief that I hold to on this subject isn’t always a popular one, but I am confident in this hope. I know that when my Tzeitel passed from this life, she was taken straight to Heaven. She is not an angel, as angels are created beings, separate from humans.

I’d love to share with you a sermon series that will help to further explain this: http://www.gty.org/resources/sermon-series/269/what-happens-to-babies-who-die

Also, the book: http://www.gty.org/products/books/451146/Safe-in-the-Arms-of-God-Hardcover

 

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Capture Your Grief, Day 9: Music

I had never heard the song “I will carry you” before I lost Tzeitel. Actually it was a few months after her passing that I heard it for the first time. It was such a blessing to me to hear this precious song, and to hear the story behind the song as well.

ImageI love the thought of God telling Tzeitel about the history of the world. My greatest comfort is thinking of her sitting at the feet of the Lord, singing His praises.

 

Capture Your Grief, Day 7: You Now

ImageThis is me, now. It’s been 488 days since my girl went to Heaven. I never would have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that this is the path that God would have had me on. I was telling Grant the other day that I thought it was interesting how God has made my childhood dreams come true, just not how I had thought.
As a child, I’d dreamed of being a missionary, and now I have a ministry caring for other parents who’ve lost children.
As a child, I dreamed of being a teacher, and now I care for and teach my nephew, and hope to homeschool my children someday, if/when God blesses us with earth children.

As a child, I dreamed of being a mommy, and now I parent a child, in my heart.

Today, I am everything I wanted to be as a child, and more. I am a wife, a mama, an auntie, a daughter, a friend, and most importantly, a child of God.

 

Capture Your Grief, Day 6: Ritual

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a ritualistic person, but I do have a few traditions we’ve started for Tzeitel.

ImageOn her 1st birthday we released sky lanterns into the sky for her and her birthday buddy Richie. It was such a special thing that we plan to do them for her special days.

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We also had a special cake made for her birthday.

Capture Your Grief, Day 5: Memory

I don’t have many memories from my pregnancy, mostly because there wasn’t much time that I knew I was pregnant. I found out on May 11th, and by June 7th, she was gone. Less than a month. In that time, I found out I was pregnant, announced it to the world, got my official test, registered for baby gifts, started planning the nursery, picked out names for if it was a boy or girl. This was not a fetus, this was our child, fearfully and wonderfully knitted together by the Creator!

579288_10150920588722296_759302347_nIn the year and a half since then, I have come to treasure the few items I have that prove that Tzeitel existed. I know she was here, her Papa knows she was here, but sometimes I doubt my own memories. I look down at my necklace with her name on it and I question myself. Am I a mama? I look at her name, her ultrasounds, knowing the truth, but also knowing reality, my empty arms and quiet house play tricks on me. I don’t have a resting place to visit, knowing where her body is. We never saw our sweet girl, besides on the ultrasound. We had nothing to bury or to cremate. I will forever wish that I had video recorded that precious ultrasound, that I could hear her heartbeat again.
For all of these reasons, it means that much more when people talk to me about her, to give confirmation that they know she was here. I love to see her name written down, and I LOVE to hear people say her name.

Capture Your Grief, Day 4 – Legacy

ImageIn the days and weeks after Tzeitel went to Heaven, we received cards, and letters, and many lovely gifts of comfort from friends and organizations. But, when we were at the hospital, we were told I’d had a “spontaneous abortion” and sent home. We left with discharge papers. No one should ever go to the hospital pregnant and leave that hospital, knowing their baby has died, empty handed. From this, Hannah’s Tears Memory Box program was born.

You can find Hannah’s Tears Memory Box program at http://www.facebook.com/tearsofhannah.

I also started a facebook group for baby loss families in the Joplin area. You can find it at https://www.facebook.com/groups/517972108236118/