This last year has been a pretty dark time in my life. There may have been darker times, but at the moment, I can’t think of any. In this time, I’ve doubted many things. I’ve doubted myself, my husband, the rest of humanity, and at times (while they were few and far between), I doubted God. This is not something I’m proud of, yet something that I had to walk through in order to come out stronger on the other side.
I knew all along that the light of God was still there, that it was still inside me, but there were so many clouds hiding it from me. Clouds of doubt, clouds of loneliness, clouds of listening to the lies of the deceiver. I wasn’t able to journal, didn’t feel like talking to others, and couldn’t even read my Bible in this time. I felt very low.
Loss is something that is not only hard to go through in itself, but the taboo surrounding it makes it that much harder. Other major life changes allow you to talk to others about your feelings, allow you to wear your heart on your sleeve. But when you loose a child, you’re supposed to just move on? If it was your parent, your spouse, your sibling, you wouldn’t be expected to just get over it. How much more so should we be compassionate on those who have lost a piece of their heart, of their flesh? All of these clouds that cover the brightness of God’s love sometimes make it impossible to see the light.
Sometimes we see glimmers of that light. That brings me to my next quote.
Through the last year, there have been many people, to many to mention, that have prayed for both Grant & I, encouraged us, and been there for us to cry with. When I first became a “baby loss mom”, while I knew there were others out there, it was very lonely. As I walked this path, I slowly found others who were also on this journey. Through blogs, Facebook support groups, and the United Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss Secret Sister program, I found that I truly was not alone. That I was not the only one fighting to break the taboo, that I was not the only one shouting out my baby’s name, so that she wouldn’t be forgotten.