I have always loved baby showers, as long as I can remember. The games, the decorations, the cute little items for the awaited baby. I never got to have a baby shower for Tzeitel, she was gone too soon for that. I haven’t been to one since she went to Heaven, I just hadn’t been invited to any. I honestly wasn’t really sure I was ready for one.
This morning, at church, was a baby shower combined with the fellowship meal. My first baby shower, since Tzeitel, and it was for a girl. I did well at first, seeing all the little pink bottles, table cloths and even napkins that said “Baby Shower”. The table full of gifts sent a twinge to my heart. I waited to see how I would do. We ate, and then it was time for them to open gifts. I sat politely, watching, and systematically holding my phone in my lap, texting friends for support. Thankfully the friend who’d given us a ride to church that morning wanted to leave early, so we didn’t stay for the whole thing. I felt so torn, like there was something wrong with me. I was so excited for them, they’d waited so long for this baby, and this is their rainbow, so how could I not be excited for them? But on the other hand, I was so torn apart inside. I could never give these things to my precious baby. I could never celebrate her life in the same way.