Baby Showers…

I have always loved baby showers, as long as I can remember. The games, the decorations, the cute little items for the awaited baby. I never got to have a baby shower for Tzeitel, she was gone too soon for that. I haven’t been to one since she went to Heaven, I just hadn’t been invited to any. I honestly wasn’t really sure I was ready for one.

This morning, at church, was a baby shower combined with the fellowship meal. My first baby shower, since Tzeitel, and it was for a girl. I did well at first, seeing all the little pink bottles, table cloths and even napkins that said “Baby Shower”. The table full of gifts sent a twinge to my heart. I waited to see how I would do. We ate, and then it was time for them to open gifts. I sat politely, watching, and systematically holding my phone in my lap, texting friends for support. Thankfully the friend who’d given us a ride to church that morning wanted to leave early, so we didn’t stay for the whole thing. I felt so torn, like there was something wrong with me. I was so excited for them, they’d waited so long for this baby, and this is their rainbow, so how could I not be excited for them? But on the other hand, I was so torn apart inside. I could never give these things to my precious baby. I could never celebrate her life in the same way.

A letter to Tzeitel… A look into my heart…

Dear, sweet Tzeitel,

Though it seems like a lifetime, a little over 1 year has passed, since I started on this journey without you. I was so excited to find out that you were coming, Papa and I had wanted to start a family for so long. The day we found out that you were safe inside, growing, we wanted to shout it from the rooftops. We waited, patiently, but we still ended up telling your grandparents & aunt Dixie. They were all so excited! I immediately felt that you were a girl.

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I didn’t know about you for long, before you were taken from me, but I am thankful for every minute of that time. You were our gift from God. You woke me up to life again. God has taught me so much about myself, and about life in the last year. I have learned alot about submitting to God, He knows the big picture, and I don’t. He only knows why you were taken from me. As much as I wish you could be here with me, I wouldn’t be where I am now if you were.

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Sometimes I feel bad for being joyful, without you here, I feel guilty. But then I remember, that we are to be joyful in the Lord, not in our circumstances. I miss you so much, but I know there is no better place for you to be, than to be at the feet of the Father, forever worshiping Him. You will always be my perfect baby. You never knew sin, pain, or hurt. I can’t wait until the day that we can forever sing to the King, together. I love you, my Tzeitel. I will always keep your memory alive, I will always speak your name. As long as I am alive, you will be remembered.

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Love,

Your Mama